census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
