Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
