Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
