Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
