If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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