Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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