I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
