i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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