I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
