Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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