tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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