What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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