Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
