I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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