i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
