If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
