He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
