She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
