Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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