It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
