So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
