I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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