You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
