Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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