Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
