fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
