Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
another moral hangover. fuck.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
