i was born a porn star she said
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
