I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
