Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
