Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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