Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
