forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
