I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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