There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
