the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
