I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
