This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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