last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
