Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
