I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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