I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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