he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
