then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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