Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
