i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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