why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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