i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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