every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
