On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
