I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
