I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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